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i hurt myself today to see if i still feel i focus on the pain the only thing that's real |
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11.18.00 9:56 pm
last entry
i haven't really been writing here lately, and i have reasons as to why. however, i've decided to stop altogether. i might put up a site sometime, and have a journal at some point.
if you really want to keep track of me, let me know (address at bottom of page).
i was going to delete all the entries, but i decided to keep them.
thanks for listening.
love,
10.14.00 6:38 pm
whoops, i forgot to write. hehe.
i'm still behind on email! be patient, please?
well, i'm doing pretty damn good. i got my teeth cleaned 5/4 days ago, and i haven't thrown up since. *smiles* and i've been pretty happy.
oh! and i'm going to california in nov. WHOOP!!! i can not wait.
my parents are gone, btw. hopefully i'll keep being happy and not get scared or anything.
more later.
10.10.00 1:53 am
my throat hurts, my stomach is empty. my eyes are filled with tears which stream down my face. my heart feels like it's been through a paper shredder... there isn't much left. i wish for someone.... an angel.... to reach out... just be there. to say i care.
i know there are people THERE, but WHY ARE YOU NOT SAYING SO? that does tend to make a person tend to believe you don't care. (not the people who, of course, have no idea, but really, that's... no one at this point.)
i'm talking to 2 people on icq... both who wanted help, that i give, willingly, always. i'm always there for anyone... friend or foe... always willing to lend a hand.
when's my turn?
i can't wait for long. i won't. i'm not.
10.9.00 9:32 pm
okay, so what makes me so different from you and her, and him and them, and EVERYONE one? really, i want to know. there's some invisible force that's always there, whispering, "you're not like them," and it's RIGHT because i'm not. everyone else is always them. i have never really fit in, or have never felt (my fault or otherwise) a part of anything. the only exceptions to that are jim, and two people i was bestest friends with. DAMNIT.
i don't know why i bother writing here. i'm pretty sure no one i actually know reads this, and i'm not sure if any one reads it anyhow, and it doesn't make *me* feel any better. so why the fuck should i bother? why not just keep this shit inside like i usually do, and let it fester ('cause we all know, no one has ears for my problems... or maybe they think they do, and then... alas... they're gone) until it either eats me up and i kill myself, or i go totally nuts and kill other people.
i am so fucking tired of broken promises. i'm tired of saying, "but..." and they say, "oh, don't worry, i won't..." and then they do. i'd be much better off it they just fucked me over before i started caring. i'm going to put my wall back up.
i had it up for years, and yea, i was depressed, but no one could get to me. and then, i let it down for him, and he fucked me over twice. stupid me, i left it down still, and i'm still getting fucked over by everyone.
sure, my wall means i can't let anyone close, but you know, that's easier anyway. it doesn't hurt when they fuck me over, like they always do in the end.
i won't let anyone get close to me again. i can not take being hurt. so if i have to assume a "fuck you, fuck the world" attitude, so be it.
i'll fail.
10.9.00 5:20 am
why, oh fucking why do i flip out when the whole world is sleeping, and there is no one to talk to?
as i cleaned, i found a bunch of disks. i looked at them, and one said "logs", which are from back in the bbs days. another said "jacob" which is logs from the same time, and also from icq. stupid me, i stopped cleaning and read. and read. and now..... i'm flipping.
no one is awake. it's 5 am here. even if people were awake, who would i talk to? everyone i had to talk to seems to have... i don't know.... and everyone else seems to want to talk about them, and oddly enough, has to go when we talk about me.
god, i feel so disconnected to the world. like everyone got together and said, "let's just get away from her". because everyone, at once, did. hello? i swear, i am not making this up. i'd start a list right here, but i'm sure someone on it would say, "hey, that's not fair..." and i'd think, "and going away wasn't?"
it's weird..... because at one point, i had a lot of people irl. then they all went away, in one form or another. i had no one. for a long time. except jim. then i started meeting people online, and i had this group.... and then, they're gone. so tell me. is it me? isn't it just a bit odd that that happens? everyone just goes away.... at the same fucking time? tell me i'm not paranoid.
damnit. damnit. where are you when i need you?
i feel sick.
it's not like anyone reads this anyway. well, one person. (andthankyouandiwillwritebacksoon) one person cares. why does that hurt so much? i should be glad anyone does. i should be.....
10.9.00 2:24 am
still working. i just finished going through my huge collection of pictures... i was going to just put them in a box, but i figured if i was going to do that, i should look through, and toss any that i don't want to have, that might be ripped or ruined, that were blury, etc. (a few, i tossed because they were me and i hated them, but hey...) i actually tossed a lot of them. i may be a packrat, but i'm doing great at this for the time being.
i have no idea what i'm running on... there's energy there, wanting to have my room re-done, new furniture, my stereo, etc. i want a queen bed, damnit. i love my bunk bed, really, but i'm a bit old (even if it is kinda neat/fun to be on the top bunk still). anyway, i have no idea where this enegery came from.
plus, what happened last night won't happen with a queen. jim stayed the night, and fell asleep before me (as usual). when i finally climbed up the ladder (already depressed and having just thrown up), i had to climb over him. he was taking up pretty much all of the bed. i slid into this tiny space, totally smushed against the rail (part of me was actually on the rail). i tried to get some of the blankets, which were wrapped around him tightly, and i couldn't get any. i silently cried, thinking that was my life in general... share my own bed with someone, and not only is there not enough space for me, i also have to be cold and unhappy. anyway, i knew it wasn't his fault, and i didn't want to wake him up, so i went to chris' old bedroom and fell asleep in there.
cleaning is kinda helping, but i'm starting to feel very pissed off under the surface about something. that's really not good, i don't handle that well at all. oh well.
back to work again. i could go on like this all night.
11.8.00 10:15 pm
i have been cleaning, dusting, arranging, stacking, sorting, etc for the past 7 hours, and i'm not done. i'm exausted, but it's actually been good for me, i think. i'm actually a slob... well, i CAN be a slob. i go inbetween not caring how my room looks, and freaking out because it's way too gross (and believe me, it has gotten VERY gross). besides, i need to be able to keep it clean, so i know i won't mess the apartment up (jim's a slob too... so someone has to be able to keep it nice). and, if i get it all done, i can move chris' desk (which is mine now) in here, get rid of this desk, the bunkbed, dresser and entertainment center and get a bookcase bed (which will be queen, yea!) 'cause we'll be putting it in the master bedroom at the apartment... get a desk for jim's computer (the one he keeps here i mean) and shelves to store all the cabbage patch kids, beanie babies, matchbox cars, snow globes, stuffed animals... and all my other collections.
it's hard work. but i've blasted music (mp3's, of course, because my kick ass stereo has been held hostage by mom until i get this room cleaned up) and just worked worked worked. it's nice. i hope to have it done by the time my parents leave (thursday). can't work on it wed. though, because i'm going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. not a big deal for most, no, but i have a severe dentist phobia, and will not tolorate then doing anything, so they're gonna drug me (happy pills, not sleepy pills), so they said i'll be like that most of the day. yea! heh.
back to work.
10.8.00 5:38 am
no, they didn't say anything to me, and i didn't say anything to them. damnit it.
just made myself throw up again, and it wasn't really about food this time, it was more about a release... like cutting was, only now cutting/bruising/burning/etc doesn't work quite as well as eating and (or just) throwing up. with this, i can keep going until i feel better and no one can tell i did...
i know it's probably worse. i know.
10.8.00 3:39 am
so i'm here, working on graphics (i'm planning on moving this to my domain, and i'm working on a layout for it. i log onto aim/icq, and i do a double take because ****** is on... and it's taking every thing i have to not message her/him... but i get this feeling i'd be let down if i did. oh damn you, why why why can't you.... *sigh*
oh well. i know s/he won't msg me.
(yes i was trying to make it sound like it could be anyone since i have 30+ people on my icq list & 20 on aim.)
10.7.00 10:44 pm
my days are filled with, do i eat, how much do i eat, if i eat, will i throw up.... ugh. that and cutting. this is not cool.
yet again, i feel so alone. i know there's people here, but my question is: why are they only around when i'm deep down and crying for help (sometimes not even then) or when they need someone?
10.6.00 8:06 pm OH MY GOD... there's only 11 months, 9 days until my wedding. AHHHH! at least i did book the place (we're having everything at one place) and the dj 18 months ahead. (saturday in september... never too early to book, i found out) dude, it seems like that was yesterday. this is going too fast! 10.6.00 3:38 am what is it about me that people promise to love me, to help me, and they they'll never leave. and they do. they always do. why? this does not happen to other people as often as it does for me. no one i know, anyway. i start to trust someone, to really trust them (which is so hard for me anyway), and i end up being so hurt and left wondering what i did wrong. am i really that bad? i don't try to be. i can change. i can. please, just don't leave me. 10.5.00 8:10 pm
well, my plan would have worked, but i didn't get up as much as i wanted. *sigh* so then, of course, i had to cut to punish myself.
so i went on im to help someone, knowing i might have to talk to stacey. and, of course, she seemed to jump at me being online. so she starts in on how i need a life, how everything magically changed when she started (slutting, er) going out, blah blah. i should get out more, i should get a job. i said i planned on it. "well get off your ass and do it" so i swallowed my nice-ness and said, "if i could find the energy, i will. but if you really want to know, between the self-injury and bulimia and depression, i'm really wiped out lately." which shut her up for a minute. eventually, she said she wanted to take me out to dinner (heh) sunday (she's in chicago for school, but comes home on the weekends) so stupid me, i went for it.
*sigh*
10.5.00 6:53 pm ooohhhkay. after reading though a pro anorexia site, i'm ready to put that plan into action. 10.5.00 6:21 pm
i ate dinner with my parents (in the living room, don't ask) and pretended everything was right with the world as i choked down some chicken pot pie thing and applesause... my first love (and first word, no kidding) which tasted bland and disgusting. then i came back in here, to my computer, and played a game aimsly while my brain began to form a plan of how to get rid of the food before it gets to my stomach, which is screaming, "don't let it down here, or you'll get FAT FAT FAT". now i have a plan, and if i put it here, you'd know without a question that i've gone completely mad (and i do believe i have) because of how complex and how far i'm willing to go to make sure i don't get any fatter. i'm just waiting, this tiny bit of me that's still sane saying, "try not to throw it up. just try."
it won't win. it never does.
10.5.00 3:25 pm
i really should not have started my bulimic crap again. because now, everytime i eat, my stomach insists it can not stand food. oh well. just another reason for people to call me a fuck up.
so i'm thinking about what i can do to get help without my mom flipping out. um. any ideas? come on people, if i don't get help, i will die. i know this. the only reason i haven't yet (other then failing when trying) is because i'm to chicken shit. but one day, that won't matter. if you have ideas, please, by all means, tell me.
i realize that there are people who do care, but how come they're never around when i need someone most? oh... i do tend to flip out at weird hours. yeah.
my brain is jumbled and i don't know if the words are coming out right.
how can i feel so lonely when there are people there? i've got such an emptyness in my heart and i don't know how to fill it.
i'm fucked. aren't i?
10.5.00 7:07 am
((haven't gone to sleep yet))
i had a very hyper night, spent in my own little world where everyone loves me and nothing is wrong (it's like a kid playing a game w/ people who aren't really there, it's my only escape and only happiness and damnit i don't want it to go away. i know it's not real, so don't think that.) and i thought i'd stay there until i went to bed. but then, i said goodnight to the people i was talking to on icq and checked my mail. then a thought (not good, very not good) took over my mind and threw me into a hell of a panic. right then, i had to throw up the ice cream i had eaten earlier and create more blood red lines on my arm.
so i did. *sigh* it was the only way to get rid of that. only, it's kinda still there... just not as bad. now, it's like a ball of panic in my stomach... hopefully, i won't throw up anymore though, because there's .nothingleft.
damnit. i tried.
pleasehugmetightanddontletgo
10.5.00 2:35 am
are you out there, reading my words?
do you care, or do you shake your head in disgust?
does it pull at your heart, or do you laugh at my pain?
were you real, or did i just dream you?
do you think of me, or am i already gone?
do you love me, did you ever?
i am a mess. and that was meant for a certain someone, who may or may not read this. i dunno. i just wish.........
btw, no that was not a poem, it was random words from my head. i don’t write poems. no no no. i suck at them. just like everything else i do.
10.4.00 11:00 pm
"did chris [[my brother who's going to college in mississippi]] tell you he's had trouble concentrating?"
the story of my life. kim is depressed, suicidal, bulimic, self-injures, is fucked up in general, and no one cares. chris can't concentrate and she flips. kim is put on welburtin (origionally to quit smoking, not from a shrink of course because GOD FORBID i should see one again) and stays on it after quiting (it's not really working, but it's all i can get at this point, because i said that to her and she didn't care), and has a VERY high chance of having more seizures... big deal. chris gets put on a low dose, and OH MY GOD that's such a big deal.
it's always been this way. I HATE THIS. am i not important?
DAMNIT. i can not take anymore. i can't. SOMEONE SAVE ME, PLEASE.
10.4.00 7:48 pm
i hurt myself today
what have i become?
i wear this crown of shit
what have i become?
if i could start again
- nin, hurt (otherwise known as my theme song, i swear)
i have to get away from here. i know i can't escape from myself, but i could deal a lot better w/ the stuff that's already killing me if i could GET AWAY FROM THEM.
10.4.00 7:33 pm
more cuts. more tears. more pain.
big deal.
10.4.00 3:10 pm
well, i know why (read the entry below) actually. it's because most of the people i've got close to have hurt me in some way...
like my "big sister" through school... we got them in 7th grade, and mine was carrie and i thought the world of her. everyone else didn't even see theirs after the first meeting, but carrie and i stayed "big sister/little sister" until she was about to graduate. she had figured out one of my secrets, and told me hers. well, her best friend (also named carrie, if you believe it) was the sister of someone i had classes with (named megan). megan overheard carrie and carrie talking about said secret one day, and in art class, turned to me and said, "did you know carrie..." i said, "megan, no matter if i know or not, we are not going to talk about that." later that night, carrie called me and accused me of telling megan. so... that hurt. a lot. a whole lot. i would never do that, and she KNEW i wouldn't. but since megan's sister was her best friend....
and then, more recently, i got real close to jim's dad when i was working for him. and he actually wanted to help me. and he became the father figure i had been searching for. well i guess he got frustrated or something, and he blew up at me one day and totally crushed me. i kept working for him, but i was very closed off. then, somehow, i opened up again and for the second time, he blew up at me, and fired me. that hurt a lot lot lot.
((somthing that kinda strikes me as amusing is i told jim's dad about carrie when he decided he wanted to help me. he said, "she was young and stupid... i won't give up on you." and he did.))
i guess it's me. i don't know how it couldn't be.
10.4.00 3:01 pm
why can i not believe that people aren't out to get me/hurt me, etc? i can't. i'm paranoid. all i have to do is hear that damn voice whisper some bullshit, and i go off on it, thinking it must be, because... and i come up with all these reasons that probably don't even make sense.... *sigh*
my parents are going to be gone for 11 (they added 2 days) soon. hmm. that should.... be.... intresting for me. jim will be here on the weekends, but i'll be alone the rest.
10.4.00 1:45 am
i feel sick. headache. stomachache. like i got hit with a 2x4. blah. and i'm so very tired too. think i'll call it a night.
and i still haven't caught up on emails. *sigh*
10.3.00 7:17 pm
my throat hurts and my nose keeps wanting to bleed (i don't know if that's a normal thing, but i know when my stomach problems get bad, and i'm throwing up a lot, it affects my nose... just in case you're scratching your head or anything) and i have a headache. but i was forced to go out to eat, so hey... gotta do what you gotta do, right?
i'll stop when i get down to a good weight. i always do.
i feel so alone.
10.3.00 2:38 pm
i'm getting addicted to throwing up again. so says my stomach. eek. i'll stop. really.
things are okay right now.
i have so much email to reply to... again. i'm awful about that, i really am.
btw, i forgot to tell this yesterday... i was in the kitchen, about to make a waffle and i was yapping at my mom at the same time. i got the syrup out of the fridge and took it to the island. then, i opened the freezer, took what i needed out, and set it next to the syrup. mom stopped talking, looked at me and said, "kim? i don't think that would taste too good..." i looked down. cherry cordial ice cream and syrup.
heh. well, i thought it was funny. maybe you had to be there?
10.3.00 3:46 am
i thought i was tired. i actually meant to go to sleep early. i laid there for a while. no luck.
but i'm pretty calm and collected right now. mostly because i am tired underneath the surface and the fact that i'm really bored.
i'm never bored. i'm too easily amused to get bored often.
but here i am... bored.
but not down. that's good.
10.2.00 11:08 pm
i am so exausted. for no reason. sleepy. it's too early.
okay... this up, down, up, down bit annoys me. either i want to be depressed or hyper, but not one for 5 minutes, then the other, then switch back...
no.
and my head hurts.
right now, at this second though... i'm hyper. but that just changed from depressed. grr.
i gotta throw up! i had to eat dinner. gag. yuck. can't though, mom's still up. i'm quiet, but i'm not that quiet.
hmm.
do you love me?
i don't.
why does everyone say i'm awesome? i am not awesome. really. far from it. but this happens a lot.... (via icq)
friend: *poke*
heh. i did think i was a bit amusing there, though. i do that. i like making people laugh. even if i have to be an idiot to do it. i like making people happy in general. yep. if only i could make myself happy...
sleepy.
10.2.00 8:26 pm
this page was getting a bit long, so i archived them (link below).
so i'm going through some old (last year actually) computer journal entries (un-seen other then me). back when i was working and thought my future father-in-law actually loved me. (okay, so i guess that's a bit mean. maybe. well damnit, he yelled at me and fired me and was an asshole.) it's sad. and really.... doesn't seem like a whole year ago. i guess i'll share some bits and pieces.
----
I think I’ve forgotten what it’s like. I think I’ve forgotten to how be truly happy.
I made a promise I wouldn’t cut… not sure if that was a promise that I’d NEVER cut again (eeps) or just tonight.
I don’t know though… I really don’t think it’s ABOUT cutting. I think cutting is a mask… or symptom if you will.
I don’t think it has anything to do with cutting.
I’ve got all this shit that’s been bottled up for so many fucking years. And cutting is my only way of knowing how to get it out.
No, it doesn’t help. I know that. I know it makes me feel worse in the long run.
But I don’t know what else to do. When I get to that point, it’s the only thing I can think of to KEEP ME ALIVE. And lately, I don’t even want to be alive.
Talking? Well… that’d be great if I didn’t choke up anytime I can talk. And if the other person let me talk and didn’t give up. And if I could say what I felt and not worry about what they think.
What to do what to do.
I do think if I get out of here, I’ll PROBABLY stop cutting.
But I think I have to really deal with all these feelings and shit that’s been inside and is trying to get out first.
Because if I can deal with that… I should be okay. Right?
But how to deal.
Dunno.
----
So now I’m being punished. Every fucking cut is for every fucking time I fucked up. Every time I hurt someone. And every time someone hurt me. Because it’s always my fault. ALWAYS mine. It’s all me.
----
I don’t know why anything right now. I don’t know why or what or who or where or anything and I know I’m not making sense.
I knew I’d break again. Only this time, no one wants to pick up the pieces and hold me and hug me and tell me it’s okay and that they love me even if I cut and they want to listen and just be there. I don’t know if that’s even what I had before.
I’m so confused. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I don’t know how people see me now. I don’t know if I should love them or hate them. I don’t know what the hell is going on.
I want so much. I need so much. But I don’t get it and I won’t get it and my heart just can’t accept that, so every time I don’t get it, my heart sends sharp pain through my body and my head says nasty things about how awful and bad I am and it must be my fault because it always is.
----
But then, it never really is with anyone. You tell someone your deepest, darkest secrets and they have to tell you their opinions. They can’t just listen and be there. They have to tell you what you should do, how you should do it. I hate that. I just need someone to support me and listen and care and hug me and be there.
----
I’d pull the trigger myself and keep shooting until I knew he was way past dead. Yeah. I’d really enjoy that.
So now I wanna bleed. Er cut. Well, both. I know I will. I hate to, but I know I will. Dad2 [[otherwise known as my future father-in-law, and at that point, boss and lifesaver]] said I have to say I won’t, but I can’t. I can’t not cut. I have to cut. I have to.
My poor left arm. Scraped, cut, burned. And it’ll get more. Poor arm. Not it’s fault. I’m sorry, arm. I’m sorry. But my arm is a part of me, and I need to be punished, I need to hurt, I need to bleed.
----
I think it’s hopeless. I think I’ll either spend my life unhappy and cutting, or I’ll have to pretend that every thing is just wonderful and die inside. Either way, I’m shit out of luck. Damnit. Damnit to fucking hell.
----
that's all only from a few, but that's enough for right now.
i'm happy. while i was doing that, i was talking on the phone to a friend from the 'net who is oh so great. she's gonna come next year when we have our apartment and it'll be lots of fun. we'll kick jim out, of course. hehe.
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